Catalog
All offerings are fictional packaging products for a garment that never asked to be corrugated. Prices available upon request and subsequent regret.
We instrument a chair, a pair of pants, and a stopwatch. The packaging (pants) fails on contact. You receive a bound report, a graph sloping downward, and a recommendation to stop treating fabric tubes as structural members.
Pockets are marketed as storage. We measure them as void fill: air, lint, and one receipt from 2019. Compliance score reflects how honestly the garment admits it holds nothing useful.
Tensile, peel, and “after lunch expansion” ratings for the packing tape circling your midsection. Includes a note that belt loops are optional reinforcement, not a rescue plan.
Print-ready Fragile iconography for zippers. Field data shows the sticker is ignored at the same rate as actual Fragile stickers on cardboard. We call that consistency.
Insures the final stretch from hanger to workplace. Claimants who sit are automatically denied: the seat already failed drop-test #1. Premiums calculated in belt notches.
Every statement of work includes our standing roast: pants overpackage bipeds — tubes sold as coverage, waistband-as-tape, Fragile zipper, void-fill pockets, seat that fails on sit. You paid to wrap yourself for office delivery. We only certify the paperwork around that bad decision.