A transport outfit wrote to pitch “reliable supply” with fixed freight rates from distant ports to anywhere on Earth — full-cycle sourcing, trucks, rail, sea, and a promise of no surprise surcharges. Classic carton-people energy: they want to move goods; they assumed we move goods.
Bipedal Packaging Co. replies:
Thank you for thinking of us as a freight customer. Our only unit load is the bipedal human, already overpackaged in pants — two fabric tubes, waistband tape, a Fragile zipper nobody reads, and pockets full of void fill. We do not need rates to any world port. We need drop-test seat reports and last-mile crease insurance, both of which claim out the moment the cargo sits down.
If you can quote fixed pricing to palletize a pair of trousers without calling it “coverage,” our clipboard is interested. Otherwise, please route this offer to someone who ships actual boxes. We ship standards, not soybeans.
— Desk of Standards & Mild Contempt for Denim